26 October 2009


Its Monday and I load up the kids for preschool in less than 30 minutes. This timeline allows me one precious stop on the way to the haven the children know as school (which mommy reveres as 3 hours of calm with only one child to worry about).

Anyway, we roll on down the road and pull into our Dunkin Donuts drive through for a treat for the kids and the required lifeline for all humans over the age of 25 on a monday morning - COFFEE.

Yep, Coffee - not a chocolattagratta halfcalf double tuckasoyalotta choo choo - COFFEE. Well, somehow the goob in front of me mistook PINK & ORANGE for GREEN & WHITE.

"Ummmm... I'll have a venti soy chai latte"
"We don't have that ma'am"
"Ummmm... I'll have a venti skinny Pumpkin Spice Latte no whip"
"We have pumpkin flavored coffee ma'am"
"Ummmm... well, do you have anything Pink?" (I am not making that up)

HOLY SHIT! It's dunkin donuts dumbass! Order a medium regular with cream and sugar and get the hell out of my way. You are cutting into my 3 hours of happy time which does NOT make me happy and endagers your life as you sit in your hippy-happy-bumper-sticker-slatherd-hybrid.
Don't get me wrong. When I want a Grande Triple Pumpkin Spice Latte I KNOW where to go - hell -- maybe I should have given her directions.


23 October 2009

Oh Yeah... That's a Good One

Its not everyday (especially over the last 7 months) that I bare my girl parts. It is pretty much never (excluding childbirth) that I've been spread eagle on a table with a perfect stranger "all up in it".

Well, today was the day I bared it all and in return spent an hour getting hot waxed slathered on my bikini region only to have that hot wax covered in fabric and oh so expertly RIPPED OFF by C.J. (who is an arteest by the way). In response to this, oh so delicate, action my body reacted naturally. I screamed and then giggled like a school girl at the sheer horror of what was happening to my most sensitive region. Yes, I said giggled. I think there may be something wrong with my psyche - who giggles as they get tortured? Who? Me - that's who.

C.J. kept things light telling me about the strippers and S&M girls who are her regular customers (this made me giggle even more). She suggested, since this was my first adventure into waxing, that I start with a bikini wax -- but me being the badass that I am said "Nope, do it all". Yeah - somehow "do it all" neglected to translate to my brain that my ass would be involved.

After a while I forgot that she was tearing away at my lady land and was enjoying our conversation - even though it was sometimes interrupted by "Ohh ho ho MY GOD - That's a good one" You know its a good one when little white lights flash behind your eyelids as you spontaneously fold into the fetal position.

I mean really? Am I voluntarily laying on a table, half naked, with wax from front to back - side to side and ever crevice in between. Yep - Really.

All I know is
A: My husband better f$#king appreciate this effort
B: When he is done appreciating it I better be the one saying "Oh yeah -- that's a good one."


11 October 2009

Say When

Its been a while hasn't it? Well, as life catches up with you sometimes little extras drop to the sidelines.

I was thinking about limits yesterday when I was at the commissary on base. I watch as 300lb people pick up gallons of soda and pounds of potato chips, moms give into their toddlers just to get a moments peace... men grab every protein shake on the shelf and women stare aimlessly at the beauty counters.

It is amazing how at some point we all need to pull back and say ENOUGH! I'm walking through the aisle, and like me, there are plenty of other woman dragging multiple little ones behind them 2, 3 even 4. I ask myself -- would I ever want any more kids? Nope. Not even a second to come up with that answer. Don't get me wrong I love my children, but when two people make the personal choice to become a baby mill -- do they ever consider their children's feelings?

There are the Duggers we all know their choices -- and I think it is their example that makes me wonder or give the "side eye" as some would say.
aaaaand Like MandyBrownNoser says "its not my place to judge".

Anyway, as I'm walking through the dairy aisle I'm approached by a retiree looking for coffee creamer. He compliments my brood of minions and asks if we plan on having any more. He smiles and says

"My wife had seven"

I respond, "My husband had a vasectomy"

He laughs and says quietly -- "Good Idea!"